1. Kaiser Karl 'does a Galliano'
Imagine Count Von Lagerfeld ditching his trademark Dior Homme suit and skinny tie in favour of a matador get-up, a pirate costume or full-on Regency dandy, a la John Galliano. That would go a long way to making me forget his ridiculous comments when H&M dared to make his (rubbish) diffusion line in a size 16.
2. The Marc Jacobs show is forced to start late...because they're waiting for Suzy Menkes.
Never. Gonna. Happen. Or is it?
3. Victoria Beckham is refused entry to the Roberto Cavalli show
Come on, it'd be funny, wouldn't it? Particularly if Katie 'Jordan' Price takes her seat instead. Catfight!
4. Gareth Pugh announces plans to create a diffusion line for Laura Ashley
Pretty, practical floral for yummy mummies, from the man more famous for coats covered in rats, gimp masks and cuboid headpieces. I'd buy it.
5. Catering at parties means pie and chips instead of canapes
The CQ team has been known to deliberately loiter as close to the kitchens as possible in order to stuff ourselves with the very sparse and very tiny canapes that are very occasionally distributed at fashion parties. It's not that we're greedy, we just need something to soak up the champagne*
6. Pattern cutters & seamstresses stage a writers-style strike...
...Causing designers to send sketches to editors rather than showing clothes on the catwalk. The carbon footprint of hundreds of fashionistas is lowered, models don't have to get out of bed and we don't have to worry about what to wear, where we'll be sitting or whether the goodie bag is going to be any good.
7. At the end of the Christopher Kane show, models strip and throw the clothes out into the audience
We catch everything. EBay crashes from the strain the following day. We book a long holiday.
8. None of the seats on the front row are taken up by the bratty 6-year-old offspring of 'VIP guests'.
That'll be the day.
9. Matthew Williamson shows a collection completely devoid of prints, chiffon or anything remotely boho.
..for Pucci. Come on, it'd be funny.
10. There's a blogger room.
If the technology industry can do it, so can the fashion industry.
*ok, we're greedy.
[Image: Graduate Fashion Week by Catwalking.com]